Seeing or Hearing

  There are two types of social forces acting on our world. I'm going to describe them in the extreme although most people are a combination of both, of course. 

  One type of person was born into this world, became terrified of what he saw around him and covered his eyes to protect himself from the horrors of the world. The other type, equally terrified, covered his ears to protect himself from all he heard around him. I belong to the formercategory. I can hear, but I'm blind.

  But I'm going to talk about the metaphorically deaf first since most people are deaf. These are the sort of people who go to a neighborhood bar to meet their neighbors and friends from time to time. They enjoy the music, the banter, playing pool and downing a pint or two. People who are metaphorically deaf enjoy music that forces them to stand closer than normal to the person they're talking to. They unconsciously exaggerate their facial expressions and body language to make themselves understood. This is the sort of person who might admire sports figures for they strive to express themselves through their posture. They're very attentive to physical features, not wishing to judge people for how they look. Instead they determine the sincerity and trustworthiness of others through the confidence they exude through their body.

  Those like me who are metaphorically blind need a quiet place to commune with others. They're listening to the tone of voice used in conversation. They glean respect and admiration through intellectual polish and clever speech. They don't judge people by the confidence they exude through their body, but by the confidence in their tone of voice.

  Although there are really few people who are completely socially deaf or blind, you can just imagine how difficult it would be for them to communicate if they were. How do the physically deaf communicate with those who are blind? It can't be easy. And when I read the headlines each day I realize that there are many metaphoric problems that turn into real life threatening situations because some people are socially deaf and others socially blind.

  I'm the sort of person who loves to write because I have a big mouth and don't always have someone to talk to. I'm always looking for people who are deep listeners. So I've found myself in the company of those who are socially blind most of the time. I'd even say that I'm socially extremely "near-sighted." I'm the sort of guy who goes to a bar alone and within five minutes feel so self-conscious and uncomfortable that I run out the door. 

  But thanks to self-love I've learned to look within and see myself. For some reason I have good inner vision even though I'm so socially myopic. And in coming to see myself clearly from within I've come to terms with my vision problems. I can even say that I'm content being the way I am. Not everyone has such good inner eyesight. In fact, the more I see myself clearly, the more I seem to be able to see socially better as well.

  Naturally I've written this blog for people who have great social hearing. I've tried to fashion this piece like a concerto. I've tried to make my ideas mellifluous. I want them to harmonize with themes you've come to know and love.

  Becoming someone who feels like a part of the human race requires good listening and observing skills. We've all got to learn to trust one another, and since experience tells us that there are those out there who would hurt us economically, emotionally or even physically, we need to use our senses to avoid difficulties. 

  I always knew there was something wrong with me, but I had a hard time expressing it to others. Now that I know that my social senses are not as focused as I'd like them to be, I can see how I've profited in other, internal, ways.

Don't Tell Me What To Do!

  In Hebrew and the Romantic languages there are two words for the one word in English "to tell." One verb is used in expressions like, "Don't tell me what to do." Nobody likes to be "told" anything these days, and I'm certainly no different in that respect. I didn't like being told what to do when I was a child, and nothing has changed since then. It's not surprising to me that the word in French for this meaning of "to tell" is "demander." I feel like people are demanding things of me when they tell me anything.

  But the other verb for "to tell" in other languages translates clearly in the sentence, "Tell me a story." It has the meaning of "to recount." In fact, in Portuguese the word "contar" means to count and to tell. And this has great spiritual connotations that we miss in English because we don't "count" our stories. We "tell" them.

  To explain myself here I have to go back to mystical Judaism where the word and explain another word, the word "rina." "Rina" translates as "The Song of God." In mystical Judaism God sings His song to humanity, a song like any other that is made up of a melody and lyrics. The melody of God's song, however, is "heard" by the heart. We call it our feelings. And the lyrics of God's song and the do's and don't that we're "told" to obey. Everyone wants to learn the melody; nobody much cares for the lyrics...

  When a story is "recounted" to us our heart immediately begins to count the mystical beat, the rhythm of God's song. We want to enjoy the feelings we perceive that come to us when we're told a story. Music, art, dance, sculpture - these are all ways in which we learn to count the rhythm of God's melody. There is a mystical beat in all the arts that we perceive with the heart.

  Nobody wants to be told what to do, and yet everyone wants to be told what to do. This is an enigmatic perspective that can't be fully expressed in English. We all want to feel deeply and passionately about life. Yet nobody wants to be told what to do.

  The problem of not liking being told what to do can't be avoided. I've tried to tell myself what I need to do, and it hasn't worked either. I won't even let ME tell me what to do! And this is a problem that can't be solved with self-love.

  As much as I love myself, I still won't listen to me if I try to tell myself what to do. It didn't work with dieting. It didn't work with trying to talk myself out of the men I loved. My feelings are my feelings, and they aren't going to change just because I "demand" it of myself. I also tried begging, asking nicely, giving myself ultimatums and bribes. I'm incorrigible. Nothing helped! 

  I have to be told a story. I have to listen to the melody of life and count the beat in a new way. I have to feel differently, but passionately in order to act differently. 

  

Following Verses Leading

  I spent my life learning how to follow. It was an important exercise. It taught me so much about how the world operates and how I can use the world effectively to further my own needs. But there are limits to following. There came a point in time when I had to learn to lead.

  And, ironically, leading is a kind of following, but you're following yourself rather than others. The focus changes from outside to inside. Leading is an important exercise because it brings you in touch with your inner world. And, in the end, it's the world within where your needs really get met. The world around you will never satisfy certain needs.

  Leading yourself is the ultimate power trip. It puts you in charge of yourself. It teaches you to trust yourself. And when you lead yourself in the wrong direction, it teaches you first hand just how difficult it is to lead anyone or any group. 

  The problem with the leaders of our country is that they haven't learned to lead themselves. They're practicing on us. And this is dangerous. We need leaders who've practiced on themselves. The best leaders of nations are people who know themselves well. The fact that we have so many people in political office who lie, steal and commit adultery exemplified the problem of learning to lead from the inside out. These politicians lie, steal and cheat on themselves, and then they go out and do the same to others. It's appalling. 

  But the only solution to this problem is spiritual. We must tackle the issues of following and leading by teaching our youth to lead themselves. The issues of responsibility to one's self must come before we give people responsibility over others. There's no way to think for yourself if you're copying other people's behavior. 

  It takes courage to lead yourself. It's much easier to a sheep than a wolverine. Those animals who live independently of groups often live underground. They have a peculiar ability to see in the dark. They depend on themselves. They don't have the herd mentality. And they often exhibit unusual assertive behavior that makes them difficult to handle.

  But we can't afford a world of sheep any longer. There are too many wolves out there preying on sheep. We've got to teach sheep how to see the wolverine within. 

  What if you did one little thing today that might make you stand out as being different from the norm; different from how you behaved yesterday; different from what others would anticipate? What if you looked at the darkness within you and moved through it rather than cower in the light? The truth is that you can't depend on your eyes anyway. You know that nothing is as it appears. People look old but act like infants emotionally. Companies make promises they have no intention of fulfilling. Even you don't look within like you look on the outside. 

  So why not give up the over emphasis on sight. Start to listen. Listen within. And perhaps you'll hear the voice of a leader who's dying for one, just one loyal follower.

Self-Love: Science verses Religion

The issue with loving yourself is that religion tells us it’s arrogant to do so, and science tells us it’s impossible. Of course, they’re both wrong.

The greatest forbidden fruit hanging from the Tree of Life is me. I was the last person on earth I was attracted to. Physically I wasn’t my type; emotionally I saw through myself, but only so far as to see down to the layer of insincerity.; and spiritually I had no opinion one way or the other.

Just from the point of view of an observer of life, the analytical side of me could see no value in loving myself when no one else was doing it. In the natural world there are no indications of self-regard and self-esteem reaching to the level of self-love. And amongst my own species (humans) most consider the idea a joke.

But I postulate that without self-love my life has no meaning. I was born alone; I’ll die alone.  And everything else in between is a series of experiences that either teaches me about the world, or it teach me about my world. And that depends entirely on me. Most people I meet are consumed with the world around them. Even if they’re not frantic about their survival issues, their passions are usually about something. And even when their passion is about someone, it’s never themselves.

Of course I’ve met exceptions to that rule, but those I’ve met who are consumed with themselves have always exhibited extreme examples of vanity, worry or preoccupation. I’ve never met someone who loved himself in a healthy way. Granted, I’ve met people who’ve exhibited loving traits that have demonstrated to me how deeply they believe in certain values, but I’ve never met anyone who quite talked about self-love the way I do.

Never was there a truer adage than, “You can’t take it with you.” And still we see so many people consumed with material acquisition. There are even those who collect people like Christmas ornaments they display with great affection at a certain time of the year. And they, too, need to be reminded that people aren’t ornaments. You can’t take them with you.

So what can you take with you? I think that’s a question that needs to be asked, and I’m open to both scientific and religious answers. But I’ve looked closely at all the usual answers from both camps, and I have to say I’m not impressed with any of their answers. Science treats me like an object with no inherent meaning. And religion treats me like a pawn in a game of their own choosing. I’m not willing to play along with either.

I see myself as a “subject,” rather than an object. And I’m the most fascinating subject I’ve ever encountered. Nowhere else on earth offers me the possibilities of exploration and frontier that I find within. Learning about myself is fascinating. I’m deeper than the oceans. My dreams are higher than the sky. And my need for grounding is more real than the earth beneath my feet. I am a world in a world. And when I leave this world I fully expect to find myself still in the world within I’m coming to love with such devotion.

 

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button and Self-Love

Benjamin Button is born old and gets younger as his life goes by. I can relate. I felt like I was born a very old man because I couldn't access my feelings. They were locked deep within me. On the outside I did my best to relate to others, but within I was confused and lost. I felt like my feelings were slipping on ice. I couldn't get a grip on them. 

But with time I came to feel more emotionally grounded. I felt that my feelings crystalized. I didn't like everything I felt, but at least I could name the feeling I was going through. But it took decades to come to know myself from the inside out. And to love myself was something that didn't even occur to me until I hit my fifties.

Then, suddenly, I realized that my purpose in life was to know me. And to know me was to love me. Suddenly I began to grow young too. Although most people are born you and grow old, I was born old and grew young. But I can only say that was the case because I came to love myself. Without my esteem, respect and compassion I was a beggar taking emotional handouts from others. I had no spiritual wealth. The richness of life came when I could celebrate my feelings - all of them.

"Slumdog Millionaire" and Self-Love

The question I came away with from the movie, "Slumdog Millionaire" is whether there's a difference between "fate" and "destiny." Are we locked into a future that we have no control over (fate) or is there a dream in our hearts that can be realized if we can unlock the secret of our heart (destiny). And, of course, I believe the later.

There are billions of people on this planet who suffer through life, unaware of the possibility of making their dreams come true. The main character, Jamal, begins life in this way. He's accosted by injustice, loss and sorrow. And yet, somehow, he doesn't forget what he's been through. The mystery of his past becomes meaningful over time as he uses the information he's gathered to answer the questions on the game show.

The word "mystery" comes from "my story." The mystery of Jamal's life is no different from anyone else's in the sense that there is spiritual meaning in everything we go through. Jamal, however, remains consciously aware of the circumstances he lives through, so that he can use his experience further down the line.

Self-love brings attention to myself so that I'm aware of my thoughts and feelings as I interface with the world. And it's the combination of my experiences in the world around me as well as the world within that creates meaning. Only in this way does mystery (my story) and history (His story) come together like a jigsaw puzzle. Only in this way is it possible for me to see that there are no accidents, only incidents. Everything that happens to me has the potential of being useful to me if I focus on my destiny rather than my fate.

Hope is the important difference between destiny and fate. There is no hope in fate. Hope is the inner knowledge that affirms God's participation in my life. But inspiration is 99% perspiration. I have to do the work within. I have be curious to know myself. I have to explore the mysterious connection between my head and heart.

Jamal's girfriend, Latika, came be internalized as that part of myself that I'm deeply in love with, but that I need to save from the dangers of the world. The feminine side of myself is an aspect of myself I've come to know and identify with. Latika is that part of me that I want to hold, protect and know deeply. All romantic loves are projections of the self that give us the opportunity to know ourselves through another person. The question of how many great loves I get in a lifetime is easy. I get one - myself. All the others are for practice.

Humiliation and Self-Love

Self-love is a feeling about myself. It isn't a thought; it isn't a New Year's resolution I make and break. Self-love is a way life, something that comes from the heart, not the head. And one of the most difficult feelings for the heart to process is the feeling of humiliation. Humiliation, like all feelings, can be triggered by others, but it then moves through me independent of the trigger that caused it.

                   The concept of my book, The Wisdom of Self-Love, is that life is a school in which I'm learning to love myself and, in so doing, feel all the feelings that move through me.  And if life is a school I can’t ask for a refund on the emotional cost of my education just because I don’t like my curriculum. I tried staring out the window, ignoring the lessons at hand; I tried playing hooky; I tried getting bad grades for fear of going on to harder classes; I even tried graduating before I had all my credits. But I discovered I can’t complain to the world that I’ve overpaid on life's tuition. Nobody’s gives a damn...

Self-love, like an education, is a tightrope that's much harder than it looks. I can feel afraid of falling; I can refuse to take the steps necessary toward loving myself; I can fall and swear I can’t get up. But there will always be clowns sent in to this three-ring circus I find myself in. That I've already experienced and now know for a fact.

The clowns around me laugh at me when I fall. Even the clowns within try to distract me from myself when the feelings are deeply uncomfortable. But I know how much pain I'm really in; I know that inside when I'm bleeding.

 The clowns within are the bullies that laugh when I'm down, but they also help me admit that I'm deeply angry with myself. I can’t stop them for trying to distract me from the pain of being me. But what I can do is feel the unintended emotional consequences of their good intentions honestly.

And when I'm through my anger at being me and can feel finally sad; when I can feel sorry for myself at having to experience such pain; when I can admit that I’ve humiliated myself in front of myself; when I can admit that life can sometimes be a humiliating process that makes me feel sorry and small despite my best intentions; when I can cry for that poor soul within bleeding from having lost his balance. Then I can continue on to lifelong spiritual learning about myself without anymore fear.

Only those who have been through life’s classes in the pain of humiliation can move on to the next class: grace. It takes honesty to be graceful, and it takes grace to be honest with myself. This is the essence of the wisdom of self-love.